BY MICHELLE NADAPERSON
PHOTO BY BILL PICFAKE
Batman. Iron Man. Superman (I know, I’m mixing my parent companies). All heroes. All with strong ideals and even stronger pectorals.
And all fiction. Frankly, that’s where I prefer my superheroes - In the pages of a comic book, the darkness of a theater, or the confines of my streaming service of choice. Larger than life is, frankly, too large for real life. You can’t have people in tights flying around and smashing alien overlords in the middle of Manhattan without serious consequences.
But what happens when the fiction seems to spill over into the real world? When the line is crossed and blurred almost beyond recognition?
Lance Zoom is not a modern superhero in the truest sense. His closest fictional counterparts hearken back to the earlier stories of Doc Savage or Tom Swift: Zoom is a brilliant man who founded a company capable of forging fanciful machinery that bends our understanding of reality. And all without questionable social media posts (he doesn’t talk politics) or even more questionable morals (He’s a family man).
But here is where we slide into another blurry area - ZoomCorp has two founders; Lance Zoom and his wife Layla. Even the children seem to be along for the ride in some capacity. The whole family are the darlings of the media.
Is this much wealth and power safe in the hands of a single family? And are those hands benevolent, like Doctor Who, or rife with hidden agendas, like Wilson Fisk?
I happen to be in the right place at the right time. My trip to New York City coincides with the Zoom family. Interestingly enough, their trip isn’t to promote a ZoomCorp invention, or deal with an emergency that needs the Zoom’s attention - It’s simply a family vacation.
Vacation? That word doesn’t seem to fit in the Zoom’s dictionary. Do globe-hopping, brilliant billionaire industrialists (shit, I sound like I’m describing Bruce Wayne) actually take a vacation? If nothing else, I know they eat, as my appointment with Lance is at the Waverly Diner in West Village. The silver rails gleam around the booths and reflect the various neon signs strewn about the walls. I easily spot Lance, uncomfortably wedged into a booth toward the back. To say that Lance Zoom is a massive guy would be an understatement: Clocking in at well over six-feet, with a physique that would make a body-builder instantly run back to the gym for another set of bench presses, he is not an easy man to miss.
He has on his Sunday best, but it looks like he gave up on it hours ago. A typical suit simply isn’t made for his atypical frame. And yet, even rumpled and uncomfortable, as others have correctly noted; he’s hot. But I’d have to let that thought go, because I know full well that Layla Zoom was more than capable of kicking my ass.
Eye-candy aside, there is an awkwardness in his demeanor that troubles me. He seems ill-at ease here on his own. Who is this Lance Zoom, and does he live up to the hype? Is the whole family really involved? Have we crossed into territory that should not be travelled?
So, You’re on vacation?
Oh, yes! We’re taking it easy. The Zooms are definitely not - Zooming (he laughs).
I can’t imagine the Zoom family sitting around a campfire or wandering around Luna Park munching on churros - is this even possible for you?
It's hard, but hey, everyone needs a break, right? It's summer, and the kids are off school.
That’s Lance Junior (LJ) and Zoey, right?
Yes.
How old are they?
LJ is Twelve, and Zoey is eleven. They’re a handful! And I don't want them doing something crazy out of boredom like changing the composition of the water in the swimming pool, or creating something that might be – Um, combustible – So it's good to get out of the compound and just let them be kids.
You present a picture of the seemingly impossible right next to the most benign domestic scene I can imagine.
LJ and Zoey have a little – Extra oomph. But they’re still just kids. I wasn’t much different at that age. Except for maybe the combustable stuff. I don’t particularly remember setting anything on fire.
Are they mini-Zooms? Are you and Layla actively training them to be the next generation of... you?
We would have supported them in anything they wanted to do. It just so happens that they seem to be following in our footsteps. Unfortunately that means it’s not exactly a traditional childhood. In case you hadn't noticed, we're not exactly traditional soccer parents, either, so we all need to adapt.
We haven’t talked about Layla, yet. Is she on-board with vacationing?
Actually, she insists on it. In fact, Layla did her share of theater in college, so seeing some shows out here is a welcome break for her, as well.
This domesticity is surprising to me. All I know about you is what I read in the media and watch on YouTube.
Well, you can’t believe all of that. We’re blown way out of proportion in the media. We may not be typical, but we’re still just a family, everyone doing their part as best they can.
But people see you as bigger than life. I saw a recent headline: ‘Lance Zoom Punches Rogue Weather Satellite Back Into Orbit.’
(Laughs) Should a Rolling Stone reporter quote The [New York] Post? No, we simply hacked into the system and righted its orbit. LJ and Zoey were actually instrumental in helping us rectify the situation. Of course, LJ kind of caused the error while he was attempting to test a theory about orbital shifts, but that's another story, I suppose…
Okay, this is what I’m talking about. You just glossed over that as if LJ forgot to take out the trash. Your son ‘tested a theory’ and sent a satellite out of orbit. That’s a lot of power in a small package. Do we have to be worried?
Of course not. The kids can be a bit over-zealous - But what kid isn’t? It’s all about setting up reasonable boundaries. Boundaries that they can work within, that don’t involve flammable materials. Or electrical grids. That’s why we have simulators. Lots of computer simulations mean very few rogue satellites. Doc Koppel is a big help in that area. The kids love him, and he is a stickler for following protocol.
Doctor Denton Koppel. He's been with you since the beginning, hasn't he? How important is he to your organization?
LANCE ZOOM: Koppel’s contribution to ZoomCorp is invaluable. In fact, it’s incalculable. Um – Yes, he has been with me from the beginning, and we are pleased that he has devoted his time and energy to the company.
LAYLA ZOOM: The kids call him ‘Paps.’
It’s here that I’m going to have to make a shift in format. First, let’s note a shift in Lance, as his initial warm words for his scientific mentor and friend change to an awkward attempt at corporate-speak mid-sentence. Little do I know that Layla Zoom has entered the restaurant and is standing right behind me. In fact, all kinds of things are about to change as I find myself – however briefly – in the Zoom family orbit.
As Layla steps around to join us, I can’t help but notice that she is as impressive a specimen of humanity as her husband. In layman’s terms, she is just as hot. Just under six feet, and also very fit. If I had run into Layla doing theater in college, I’m pretty sure that I would have briefly questioned my sexuality.
Their dynamic is instantly discernible. As soon as Layla is seated, they are a pair. Lance gracefully shifts from solo to duo. Frankly, I think he is relieved that he’s no longer facing my notepad and phone recording app alone. He chides her:
“I don't think he wants anyone to know that the kid’s call him Paps.”
Layla smiles a smile that could stop an armed assailant, an alien invader, or maybe a super villain. “I call him Paps, too.”
“That's because he has a soft spot for you. If I did that, he'd hit me with a wrench.”
I was not expecting this. It’s – Normal. They are not just the figureheads of a multi-billion dollar corporation, but a couple. I ask about this dynamic between them. Alone, Lance seems earnest enough (albeit with occasional derailments). Now, he gracefully melds with his partner. Lance ponders the question seriously, and chooses his words carefully.
“The world is – shades of grey. That's not my forte. I much prefer a straight-on approach to things.” He looks at Layla, and you can see the respect. “My wife is much more capable when it comes to navigating the finer points of humanity. As for the business dynamic? It's definitely a combined effort. ZoomCorp is always two Zooms.”
At this point a hurricane arrives. Not weather related, but youth-related: LJ Zoom and his sister Zoey don’t just open the door and enter the restaurant, it’s more of a full-on breach of the building. There is energy to burn, and they seem particularly excited to converse with their parents - They have an important message - If they can actually get to it.
LJ races to speak first. “Dad! Mom! Paps was on the phone!” He may young, but his manner seems to be a chip off of his dad’s massive block.
Zoey leans towards her mother’s looks, but is a spitfire of her own making. “Aw! I wanted to tell them!”
LJ looks very pleased with himself, “I get to tell them! I'm older.”
Zoey crosses her arms in defiance, smiling. “But I'm taller.”
He stops. “Wait - What does that have to do with anything?” Oh, yes - That’s his dad.
Amazingly, the Zoom adults shift again. Now, they become parents. They need to break through the sibling rivalry and get things on track. Layla brokers a deal with, “Maybe you two can figure that out later?” As Lance follows up with, “Why don't you tell us what he wants?”
Now my low-key late-dinner interview becomes the front-row seat of an officially licensed Lance Zoom comic book. Frankly, the real thing is much more interesting than fiction. I feel like a civilian observer at Zoom Command - If there really is such a place. Frankly, I never get a chance to ask.
Zoey dutifully starts relating the message. “Well, Pap didn't say who, exactly, but I'm pretty sure that Major Haley needs you to do something.”
Major William Haley is the liaison between ZoomCorp and the Federal Government. Right-wing podcasters call him “The Handler,” but I’m sure navigating the complicated world of government contracts is much more nuanced.
“What did he say, exactly?” Layla asks
LJ takes over, trying his best impersonation of Dr. Koppel. "Tell your dad that that stupid government son of a b–“ He breaks character for a question. “Um, can I say that word?”
Lance is all to quick to respond, “You most certainly may not, young man. And I'll be speaking to ‘Pap’ about his language.”
Again, Layla lays the groundwork and brings the conversation back to task. She turns to her husband. “Maybe we should get to the point of the message, sweetheart.”
“Hm? Oh, of course,” Lance agrees. “What else did he say?”
The ball bounces back into Zoey’s court. “Well, Pap said that Halsey blamed ZoomCorp for two blips that appeared on NORAD’s tracking system.”
And LJ takes another turn. “But Pap told him that NORAD couldn't find any blips, even if they were shoved half way up their a- Wait, I don't think I can say that word either.”
Layla smiles that smile again. “Probably not. Skip ahead, LJ.”
He sighs. He’s either glad to finally get to the point, or sad that it’s over. “Basically, we’re needed back at the compound.”
Zoey punches her brother in the arm. It looks like it hurt. “I told you to just start with that.”
LJ smiles. “But the rest of the message was more fun.”
At this point. I have lost the Zooms. I have watched them be husband and wife, business partners, parents, and now, they have become something completely different. Something that doesn’t include me. Now, there’s a situation. Now it is serious. Even the children pick up on this change, and shift along with their parents.
Lance and Layla slide out of the booth and stand beside the table. Now, with the weight of the world on his massive shoulders, I see Lance Zoom in a new light: The awkwardness has evaporated, replaced by steely focus. I see wheels turning. Possibilities being calculated. Now, he is in his element. He is transformed.
Holy shit - I suddenly believe he could punch a satellite.
He makes a decision. He turns to me, presenting a warm smile. “I’m so sorry, it appears we'll have to cut this short.”
I weakly exchange some forgettable pleasantries with the family as they head out to the street, Lance and Layla in the lead and the children falling in behind. Lance pulls a key fob from his pocket and gives it a click. But there is no familiar alarm noise – No car engine springs to life. Instead, there is the far-off sound of a jet engine. I don’t exactly write for Popular Mechanics, but I’ve read about the ZoomTech J-54 Private Transportation Craft. It swoops in from above (was it hovering somewhere the whole time?), landing in the middle of 6th Avenue.
I watch them enter the craft. There are no more pleasant smiles or childish energy. The whole family now moves in a structured fashion, reflecting practiced precision. They’ve been here before.
The Jet takes off, straight up, and the world outside quickly returns to normal. My interview is over. But the Zooms’ night, it seems, is just beginning.
And, you know what? I’m good with that.
ROLLING STONE is owned and published by PME Holdings, LLC. This article has nothing to do with the real Rolling Stone, and is a parody article within the worlds of Lance Zoom. But you knew that.